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I heard more from my father today, it sounds serious. He isn't the sort of person who goes to the Doctors unless he can help it anyway. I am going to have to meet up with him, and do what I should have done a long time ago - let him know how angry I am at him for what he did to my family.

I imagine this will be a fairly painful, but carthatic process that will at least let me move on from it all.I have carried the rage over what happened around with me for so long I can't remember what it was like not to have this bubbling cauldron of primal emotion contained with in me.

I don't really want to meet my father yet, I wanted to turn up to the meeting in a car I own wearing a nice suit to show him that I am a better man then he is. I know that possessions don't really define a person, but this is what I feel. Perhaps I want to use these items as a form of protection, or perhaps it is some primitive need to show him that I am the alpha male now. I'm not really sure.

I told my boss about the situation and he was very understanding and offered me some time off, just talking about it nearly caused me to break down and show an emotion about it. I haven't talked about any of this with anyone, ever, my response to it all was to simply put a mask on my face and move on. I had to go straight up to Scotland after it happened, so I was miles away from anyone I knew and I'm not the sort to unload ones problems on another person.

It has made me think about a lot of things, in some ways I am always wearing a mask these days, at a party I am one thing, at work another. I can count the people who really know me on one hand, with fingers to spare. I dance from one situation for another changing shape to suit my environment and then moving on. I think that is why I have come to treasure my time alone, I get to be who I really am.

I had a string of lunches today and meetings, one of the girls I met up with invited me to her birthday at the end of this month, which should be jolly entertaining. She lives very close to me so we may go for drinks together - there was talk of doing a wine tasting course in a bar near me which I think could be rather spiffing. As I think she may feature in these entries again I shall give her the title of The Rider as she is rather in to her motorcycles and looks absolutely splendid in a set of leathers. I am even going to take her to the party tomorrow, it seemed a bit off to not invite her after she invited me to her birthday party.